dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
