She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
