Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
