I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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