I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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