They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
