mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
