wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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