i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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