FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize