Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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