but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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