Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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