yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
