I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize