Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
