Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize