man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
