Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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