I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
