I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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