i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
