Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
