Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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