The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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