looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
