zippers are such a cool invention
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
