no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
