Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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