so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize