I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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