Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
