last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
