i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize