Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Pooping to opera.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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