Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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