so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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