Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
