I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize