Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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