She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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