My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize