He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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