On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
