Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize