Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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