What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
