when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
