I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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