Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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