please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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