I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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