I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
