I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
