Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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