The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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